Sunday, December 06, 2009

a peek into my heart

sometimes on my blog i'm not sure what all i want to share. like does my blog flow in a certain direction and is it okay to take it somewhere different, somewhere personal for a moment? i guess with a blog you can do whatever you want, really. i guess i just need to write this for my own benefit more than anything.

my heart has been heavy and it has been a difficult several months. on october 5 i found out i was pregnant again. it was quite a shock since i am still nursing lily. i really did not want to be pregnant. i am miserable when i'm pregnant and i really don't enjoy being pregnant. i was just starting to really fit into all of my old clothes, feeling really well physically, and lily was starting to nap well and sleep well at night, and i was finally getting into a routine around the house and even doing a little preschooling with eva. i was not happy with a positive pregnancy test. i hate to even type that and admit that i cried tears of disappointment about being pregnant, especially when people i know and love would cherish a pregnancy right now.

eventually the shock wore off and i tried to work on being excited, thinking about names, how close lily and the baby would be, would it be a boy this time. i also started feeling sick and tired and losing my drive to keep organized around the house, etc.

finally on november 2 i went to my first doctors appointment when i was nearly 9 weeks along. we did an ultrasound and found out that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks 3 days. i knew immediately this was not good. i talked to my doctor and we agreed that i could come back in exactly a week for another ultrasound to see if there were any changes. it was a long week of waiting and praying.

a week later i went back to find no growth and no heartbeat. it was definitely a rollercoaster of emotions. my doctor gave me options as far as waiting for a miscarriage, doing a d&c, or taking cytotec. i decided to wait to miscarry on my own. i had been taking a progesterone supplement since my level was low on my initial bloodwork. my docotor had me stop taking it in hopes that it would allow the miscarriage to start. the next day i decided i didn't want to wait and that i would do the d&c. then i found out how much my deductible was and shaun and i decided i should wait a bit longer to see if i would miscarry on my own.

in the meantime i continued to feel nauseous and tired, which really sucks when your baby is no longer alive. after a week and a half of nothing happening and me still feeling miserable we decided i should go ahead with the d&c. on the tuesday before thanksgiving i went in and had it done. the procedure went very well and i have recovered very quickly and am finally feeling like myself again.

the difficult part is thinking about the baby, who was this person, was it a girl or boy? why do tiny babies die? why does God allow this to happen? why did i have to feel sad about getting pregnant and then feel so sad about the baby dying?

this is not my first miscarriage. the odd thing is when eva was the exact same age as lily i got pregnant. i had a natural miscarriage at 7 weeks that time. i always wondered if God thought/knew that i couldn't handle a 15 month old and a newborn. i thought for sure this time it was a second chance of sorts. this time He was going to let me give it a shot, whether i was happy about it or not. but it was not to be. i don't know why God does what he does but i know he is GOOD and he loves me. and most importantly He is loving two of my babies in heaven right now, more than i ever could. but my heart still hurts and is still very heavy. what really, really pains me is that i didn't get the chance to see them and know them here on earth or hold them, and that they didn't get to know eva and lily, or know what an amazing daddy shaun is.

someday i will hold them and love them.

that's it, just a heavy heart. just wanted to share a bit more of me.

great time with mimi

mimi (my mom) was here for 10 days. we had a great time. it was especially good to have her here with me while shaun was in haiti for 8 days. we were able to spend thanksgiving together, do lots of shopping, going out to eat, playing with the girls, etc. she was a huge help with shaun gone and she also kept me company! while she was here we celebrated eva's birthday early with a strawberry cake and presents from mimi. we will celebrate eva's birthday again in another week. we had a great time mom, thank you again for everything. we miss you and love very much!





Wednesday, December 02, 2009

happy 35th birthday shaun

shaun turns 35 today. he left for haiti last saturday, very early in the morning. he will be back this saturday, very late at night. so we don't get to celebrate his birthday with him. i did send a card with him that he wasn't allowed to open until today. it had some pictures of his girls in it. we miss him so much and hope he has a great birthday!!!

i miss my birthday boy (and so does his eva!).

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

missing my man!

shaun is in haiti this week on a mission trip. i miss him!

isn't he totally hot?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

nine months

lily turned nine months old on thanksgiving day. as always, it is crazy how fast time is going by. she has really changed in the last month. here are some lily highlights and milestones:

  • she weighs 17 lbs
  • 27 1/2 inches tall
  • two teeth
  • crawls "army style"
  • has finally slept through the night a few times (6:30 p.m. to 6:30 a.m.)
  • takes good naps
  • loves eva
  • says ba-ba, ga-ga, uh-oh
  • has possibly said bye and da-da, but that is still up for debate because she needs to say ma-ma first.
  • likes to squeal loudly
  • smiles a lot
  • puts everything in her mouth, including that cheerio next to the fridge that was covered in dust bunnies that my broom couldn't reach. thankfully she cleaned it up for me. i don't think she ate too many dust bunnies because there were some left on her chin.
  • just pulled up to a standing position for the first time today!
  • she is a pure joy to me, shaun, and eva!





Monday, November 23, 2009

i LOVE thanksgiving

thanksgiving is pretty much my very favorite holiday of the entire year.

think about it. no presents to buy, no presents to be disappointed with, no fireworks to singe your hair with, no ridiculous easter dresses, no need to stay up until midnight.

just eat, rest, eat, rest, and then eat a bit more. also throw in a little bit of parade watching, dog show, and football.

i can't wait.

this year my mom will be here and we are planning on having a quiet and cozy thanksgiving with just the 5 of us. and i have planned the menu with all of MY favorite dishes. which means i get all the yummy leftovers!

here is the menu, because you care!

  • sweet potato casserole
  • green bean casserole
  • mashed potatoes
  • gravy
  • cranberry goop from a can (complete with can lines)
  • stuffing
  • rolls
  • gravy
  • pumpkin pie
  • pecan pie
  • and of course turkey
speaking of turkey. here are two:

Monday, November 16, 2009

a little time outside

as far as pictures of eva and lily together, this is about as good as it gets these days. most of the time eva won't stop looking at lily. here she was very concerned about lily eating the leaves. no matter how many times i told eva to let me worry about it she couldn't help herself but to "mother" or "boss" lily around and make sure she didn't have leaves in her mouth. by the way, eva got her first real haircut last week. i have trimmed her hair before but she got several inches cut off.



out of sight of eva. finally, a taste of a leaf.



love the profile.



mommy & lily

Thursday, November 05, 2009

sweet lily